The Centrality of T'shuvah
by Rabbi Igael Gurin Malous Loss. Grief. Fear. Longing. Heartache. Sadness. These are the most challenging parts of our lives and each person must struggle with these feelings. Yet we gloss over them in common conversation. “Hi, how are you?” is almost always met with “Good, OK, even when we feel the exact opposite. Many of us feel disconnected, alone and
unhappy. This element of our human condition, which could not be felt more profoundly these days, challenges us to examine the very depths of ourselves and is also key to our ability to reach the heights of our potential growth.
I see it in my work every day. As the spiritual director at Beit T’Shuvah, a residential addiction recovery center in Los Angeles, California and as the rabbi and founding director of the nascent T’Shuvah Center in NYC. Both institutions center our work on Jewish thought and spirituality as a core value toward recovery. I meet many people and families hurting and in need of help and direction.
We are taught in our tradition that the ancient Temple was destroyed because
of senseless hatred; a community that did not embrace acceptance, authenticity and compassion. Hatred is a result of not seeing other people’s pain and suffering, not recognizing other people’s humanity and denying our own by doing so. We often want to box-in people we meet so we don’t have to recognize our part in their pain. The addict, the felon the “other,” is what we choose to see. If we looked beyond it and see the person in front of us and not the label we have given them we would have to face ourselves as well. We often blind ourselves to other people’s pain. Yet when we are open to our feelings, our ability to connect to others is enhanced.
Who among us has not been touched by the disease of
alcoholism? Drug abuse? Gambling? Or plain misery and feelings of loneliness and disconnect? Who among us has not transgressed or did something we are ashamed of?
So, I ask myself, how do we respond to life’s challenges? How do we return to a state of peace and equanimity within ourselves? How do we repent? Our lives are filled with daily actions and decisions. How do we know when we have made the right decision and how do we acknowledge when we have not?
The answer to these questions, and the remedy to our condition, is to practice acceptance for all who are suffering and to promote connection. Our ability to transform our actions and our points of view hinges on our ability to accept all those around us and see
their pain and struggle as our own. Our charge to invite and connect to all who seek shelter, nourishment (both physical and spiritual) resounds in my heart! We must look each other in the eye and seek that which connects us. We must practice deep and meaningful compassion.
But how? The Jewish idea of t’shuvahhas three meanings. To repent, to return and to answer. T’Shuvah, real t’shuvah, that is, real repentance, has in turn three main parts we can use to examine ourselves: truth, remorse and responsibility.
Living in truth one must ask oneself, “What did I do wrong?” and then “Why did I do it? What was the justification I gave myself?” We tell ourselves something when we are about to do
something we should not (things like I deserve it, I don’t have time to cook a healthy meal, I’ll go to the gym later, s/he started it, it’s been a long day, I don’t want to feel like this anymore, it’s too hard, etc.).
By honestly looking at our actions and understanding the lies we tell ourselves, we pave the way to awareness.
In feeling remorse, we have to acknowledge that our actions always affect someone else. We must ask, “Who is affected by my actions? How are they affected by my actions?” The wreckage one person can have on the lives of others is immense, and we tell ourselves lies when we say that we are only hurting ourselves. Seeing what we mean in the world and our interconnectivity is
key.
Which leads to responsibility. Now that I looked honestly at my actions and their effect, I can see if I can change. What have I learned about myself? What is my plan to change and strive to be better? Practicing compassion changes us. Glossing over someone’s pain becomes impossible. We recognize all, who, like us, just want to belong and want to be seen.
Creating communal spaces such as at the T’Shuvah Center where we can learn from our cultural heritage to create a better world for all of us is a moral and spiritual necessity for our community, inviting back all who want to return, all who are seeking an answer, and all who want to become better today than they were yesterday. It is our
t’shuvah.
Rabbi Igael “Iggy” Gurin-Malous is the CEO of T’Shuvah Center, long term residential Jewish recovery home and community for addicts of all kinds opening in New York in September 2019. T'Shuvah Center integrative approach includes Jewish wisdom, text, and ritual; psychotherapy; the 12-Steps; and spirituality to help those who are suffering find a path to recovery. Learn more at www.tshuvahcenter.org
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